So drunk its hurt
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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