Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right