Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.