College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...