Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
