WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
