nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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