I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
