I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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