come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
