I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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