I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
