Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
