I love black thongs
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Who died my cat blue again?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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