He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
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I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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