Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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