Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
