can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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