Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
