My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
