i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Who put my cat in the fridge?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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