How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
