I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
