totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
