So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
