On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
