My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
we should paint friendship bongs
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
