this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
