I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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