doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
