Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
