i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
