i was born a porn star she said
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
