Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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