Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
