oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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