i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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