Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
