i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
