The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
