the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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