she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
