I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
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The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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