It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
