Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
