just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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