I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
