I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
