Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
