goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
