I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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