that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
