yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
