If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
