I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
